Is there a bully in the house?

I was greeted this morning by my eldest son thusly:
"Do I have to go to that pile of bricks today?"
He backed himself up against the radiator on the far side of his room and prepared himself a truly defensive position that many combat soldiers would have envied. As it was 6:50 in the morning I gave him a very blank look.

"Mum, I can't go and I won't go." My mind clicked back into reality. The horrid reality that had been our lives for the last 4 months. As terror emanated from his body in such a manner that it was palpable 8 feet away, all I could do was gently tell him, "You're not going today. Or tomorrow. Or next week." For the last month this phrase had broken the tension each morning, but today was one of his "bad days".

It is now 9:29pm and I am trying to get him to go to sleep. He has trained himself to stay up as late as possible with books and torches (flashlights for the Americans) so that when he sleeps it is the rest of the exhausted. I am hoping that by 11 tonight he will be asleep. Then, maybe, I will be able to sleep some before he begins tossing and turning which causes his bunk bed to squeak something awful. And then we will start the cycle again tomorrow.

For some of you, this will be a very recognisable situation. For some of you, this will seem like the start of a horror novel. For me, this is life. My son has been destroyed by children.

According to Kay Morgan-Gurr, General Director of Children Worldwide, bullying occurs every 7 minutes on our playgrounds and every 25 minutes in our classrooms. Only 4% of bullying incidents are seen or noted by the teaching staff. Do I doubt her and her statistics? No. I have been dealing with this issue for that last 7 years as both a parent and a teacher. In truth, I do not know if I helped the children in my care any better than the teachers at my son's former school.

Why is bullying so endemic in our culture? Why can't it be eradicated in our schools? I have several theories on both these questions, but I have no answers.

Why do people feel the need to intimidate others, to crush others physically and emotionally? I believe it comes from a culture that puts children under severe pressure; a culture that is overstimulating in negative messages; a culture that is too frightened to take personal responsibility when a government will happily do it for them; a culture of isolation.

Children are under incredible pressure to perform. I was stunned when my 5 year old came home with an assignment to write a 7 line poem making sure lines 2 & 4 and 6 & 7 rhymed. The poem was due back in to the teacher in 5 days. The topic was "food I don't like". I found it a bit tricky and I have 37 years and a degree in English on the tyke. Yet, he had to do it. Then my six year old came home with a multiplication worksheet: 2s, 3s & 5s. My 8 year old was asked to spell words like "carbohydrates", "vegetables" and "anthology". You can imagine what my 10 year old had...."Preparation for KS2 Exams". This is madness! And who is this really benefiting? When do my children have time to play in the park? When do my children have time to be a child? They don't and this causes anxiety and anger. They don't know why and they lash out.

So why do they lash out and not negotiate or talk? Why can't children simply "work it out between themselves" as we did? Take a good look at what you give your children. Cartoon Network is filled with images that excessively violent, and unlike Roadrunner and Coyote, when the character is dead, it is DEAD. And the violence used in killing is rewarded. Ben 10 is a hero. Power Rangers are heros. The most popular games for Play Stations, Game Boys, Game Cubes and the like are violent fantasy. My 10 year old asked his best mate what he wanted for his birthday present and we were told "some cool violence like Spiderman 3". I'm not some pansy, softy parent who doesn't want my Little Johnny hurt. My kids play rugby and ride horses competitively -- boys and girl, but I fear that my mother's joke about "hit 'em first and argue later" is now the mantra for our society. This is a bad omen for our society. By giving our children violence we sow the seeds of our destruction.

It is sad to say that the most influential thing in a child's life is advertising. We would love to think that it is family or religion, but truthfully it is the messages they receive from the ever more vacuous media. An advertising media who will spend over £20 billion this year wooing the children of the UK. Have you ever looked carefully at the cover of a glossy magazine? Women and men told daily, weekly and monthly that they are not fulfilled, not worthy, not beautiful, not capable. Most adults can see through this for what it really is: advertising for a "miracle" that will only cost you (if you are lucky) about £30. Children and young people do not have the discernment to realise what the real purpose is. This is not only the territory of print media -- TV is just as vile and just as damaging. There is now serious proof that this is damaging children's health as nearly 30% of young girls under the age of 10 are claiming to be or currently on a diet to improve their appearance. The highest area of growth for eating disorders is now with teenage boys who want to be as thin as their airbrushed heroes. If we are not crushing their minds, then we are filling them with self loathing for failing to meet some fantasy of physical beauty and strength. And what happens to them when they realise they are never going to be "ideal" or "beautiful"? They lash out and crush any perceived competition.

So why don't we, the adults and parents, do something about it? Sometimes we try and soon discover that it is simply too difficult. These are our children we cry-only to be reminded that experts are available and will solve the problems for us. Experts. My dear father always said that an expert was someone who lived out of town and owned a brief case and usually didn't have clue. As he spent 37 years as a trial lawyer (barrister for those of you in the UK) and used experts regularly, I suspect he knew what he was talking about. To change this culture of pressure and emotional extortion upon our children, parents must accept and take back the responsibility for rearing their children. Our children belong to us. They are not the property of the government or the educational system. We decide what they are going to watch and read and listen to. Children do have some rights but all rights are tempered by responsibility. Children are not allowed to do certain things because they do not possess the knowledge or experience exercise the responsibility demanded. As adults and parents we are supposed to. Being a 30 year old teenager is simply uncool to the whole of society.

I believe that the greatest weapon the government, and the media by extension, has is fear. In the film of JK Rowlings book, Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix, Luna Lovegood makes a very profound statement, "If I were You-know-who I would want to keep you alone because then you aren't such a threat." What a wonderful insight and truthful comment on the whole of our society. As long as our fear keeps us closed up in our small, cheaply built little houses with gardens not large enough to properly exercise in, then we will fill our time with a diet shallow, critical, mentally vacant entertainment that we have been told will make us happy. Having children happily playing together in parks means that parents meet and talk. They become friends and have an influence on each other. Children playing in parks, taking the fresh air and arguing with each other in a wholesome and normal way (without ninja kicks), might also become adults who have "ideas". I have been told that "ideas" are dangerous and can lead to problems for the government. So we keep our children locked away, filling them with fear that every slightly old man with a nasty smell is a pedophile, that every person of a different colour to them is "out to get them", that every hoodie is criminal, and our reward for our protectionism is a society filled with angry, limited, pushed, neurotic children looking for something that will quell the ache.

I don't blame the teachers. The government has made it nearly impossible to do the job. I tried for 8 years before I decided that, in spite of loving working with the children and teenagers, I could no longer tolerate being pushed, pressured and forced to do the impossible. And before you ask was I one of the 25% of teachers who will admit to bullying pupils, I will confess that I think I was. I too had to create a miracle and get pupils through GCSE examinations I believed they should never have attempted. And I was told these students HAD to make a C or above. Between doing that and the mountain of paperwork and planning, I could no more be part of the solution to the problem than the Expert who evaluated the school for the government.

As I said, I don't have the answers. Suggestions maybe, but nothing definite. It is now very late and I am sure my son is asleep. I suppose I should get my rest as the battle for his heart and mind begins again tomorrow morning at 6:45.

Why Ainulindalë?

Yet another site from a Tolkien freak? Perhaps, but probably not. Yet the word is probably one of the prettiest in the Tolkien lexicon. For those of you who have not delved into the Mines of Moria or the appendix at the Return of the King or felt the need to be engrossed by The Silmarillion, I shall explain. Ainulindalë is "The Music of Ainur" -- the creation of Ea, the world. Iluvatar (God) creates first the Ainur (Angels), then gives them a musical theme which they use, embellish and ultimately create the world.

So what will the purpose of this blogspot be? Just that -- to discuss and explore music, God, religion and belief, hope and failure, children (not necessarily mine) and the impact the World has on each of them. Sorry, but you will have to search for Tolkien at a different site.