Understanding Vs. Egocentrism

Nearly a year ago my friend, Sanely Maniacal, wrote about the path that he was heading down now that his mother has Alzheimer's (AD). I was truly sympathetic to his situation and we had some seriously close calls with his mental health due to the stress of situation. His road has been tough but he has survived and even grown from the experience -- profit is perhaps too strong a word to use. I listened when he needed me to and offered a shoulder to cry on or a kind target when he needed to scream.

Then last November, my world fell apart. My mother was diagnosed with AD.

I tried hard to be her carer -- after all, I had all the knowledge that Sanely has provided and began to read all I could on early AD treatment. I knew that she needed to have a schedule that was calm and somewhat set; she needed good balanced meals that would provide all the vitamins and minerals; she needed things set for in her in the same place each day; and, most important, she needed to take her tablets as directed. Unfortunately, Mum did not read the same books.

I should have been more realistic and less positive that I could manage her disease when the first day we came together as a family she overdosed on her medication because she didn't understand how to take it. Fortunately she has a stomach that can reject things quickly and she wasn't poisoned too badly. I didn't see the sign-post. Or I didn't want to see the sign-post.

Mum began spending 12 to 14 hours in bed. She claimed that she was always cold and I was to "feel my hands" -- which warm to hot, but she was cold. We couldn't get the house warm enough even at 27 degrees and such heat made the boys sick with respiratory infections. She didn't want to eat (but she did most of the time) and every meal she complained I served her too much. She was eating less than my 6 year old! She said I was trying to make her fat so that I felt better about myself. ARGH! But she would eat chocolate...by the pound. Thornton's stock must have gone through the roof with all I bought her over the last 4 months (perhaps that is why they didn't go bankrupt like everyone else on the High Street).

Mum also decided to make things awful. Intentionally or not, she ruined Christmas, New Year and my eldest's 10th birthday. She was becoming nasty and very rude to the point of referring to her granddaughter as "That Girl With the Long Blonde Hair". But mostly she was becoming violent. Her favourite target was her 6 year old grandson. Then she punched me.

My husband and I decided that she was unhappy and anxious about being in our home and this was the root of the violence, so we decided that our marriage was strong enough to survive our being apart for awhile so I could sort some type of home nursing help for Mum in her own home. So in February I took the children out of school (permanently-more on that later) and returned to my mother's home. According to the books this was to make things better, but in fact all it did was reward "bad" behaviour and she became even worse. She stopped taking her medicine and accused me of poisoning her. At the beginning of March, Mum was so out of control that I was in fear for my youngest constantly while the others sat in a confused daze as to what had happened to Grandma. I took the only step I could and put her into a full-care facility.

This was supposed to make things better and in some ways it has. We now know that her rapid degeneration is due to both AD and cancer. With Mum in a place that could take care of her and deal with her violence, I could then help my traumatised children. I also had to deal with the fact that I had failed. I could not care for my mother. So I went home.

The fact that I failed made me both angry and depressed. Neither of these emotions are in the least bit useful and are very destructive. I attended a support group (which I will return to when back at Mum's) which is excellent. I quickly learned I was not alone on this horrid road and that these people were not only carers to their loved ones but to each other. I really miss them now. This helped my depression but did not help my anger.

I was angry that God had put me into this position. As you know, I am Christian and take that responsibility very seriously. And I was furious with the All Mighty. How dare HE do this to me. Where is all the "I will always be there for you" and "I will love you until the end of your days" things? If this is how the faithful are treated, then perhaps the Old Testament is a very clear picture of who HE really is -- and it isn't very pretty. Perhaps this Jesus thing is just a bunch of spin doctoring PR. So I shouted at HIM all my anger.

The thing about yelling is that you don't have time to listen. Fortunately, God and Jesus are slightly above such things -- sorta. Eventually, I got shouted back at and told, "Shut UP, you silly child! This isn't about YOU." Needless to say, this was not the answer I was looking for. But it is the correct one.

We do reap what we sow. My mother's life was one of contradictions and extremities. She smoked, drunk and swore like a sailor, yet she prayed and praised each Sunday. She was violent with her children (at a level today we think is unacceptable but not so in the 1960s) yet taught us to meak and kind like Jesus. Thus her life was chaotic, so will be her death. Yet the process allows those Christians who are fullfilling their mission to do God's Will. My mother is treated with a loving dignity and care by people who believe that this where their lives have been purposely led. It isn't about me. It's about them.

Jesus healed the sick and helped the poor. I suppose that He could heal my mother but for what purpose? She is 83 and has lived a full measure of days. I hope I am granted the same, but only the Father knows these things. Jesus could not do the miracles He did if it weren't for there being sick and poor people. The Doctors and Nurses treating my mother and others with AD could not do their mission if there were no Alzheimer's Disease.

It is hard to accept that bad things happen to good people. But when it does happen it allows people who spiritually gifted in these areas to be released to do the work and show God's power and mercy.

It sounds so pat ... so trite. It isn't clever or complicated. It isn't fancy or have flashing lights or fireworks. It's hard and it's dirty -- like working in a Garden -- and it is the way God works. God will make us depend on each other as much as we depend on HIM (the Golden Commandment) and when Adam and Eve sinned, HE told us what to expect.

So, it's not about me. I'm glad. I'm relieved. I can start to continue living my life the way HE wants me to. Oh, it's also not about Mum either.

It's all about God.