What I Learned On My Summer Holiday

This is the text I sent to my cell group from Church because I am due to be out of town dealing with my Mum again.

Dear Everyone,

Isn't email great? I can be both with you and in my home town at the same time! Gotta love technology sometimes.

When I received Julia's email regarding testimonies about what God has done for us this past summer, I knew I had to respond. After all, I have had a rather interesting summer (and spring and winter....). At the bottom of the email, Julia put and I quote, “His grace is sufficient for this day.” I can only say Amen to that. I'm sure that you all are familiar with the poem “Footprints”. Personally, I can't read it without becoming all soppy because, for me, that is just more than true. It is my life.

Now those of you who know me closely know that I have managed to pack 3 lifetimes into my 45 years. I have done so much – both good and evil – to the point that many folks think I suffer from a hyper-active imagination. As a person who (also) writes novels, I will tell you honestly that if I were to create the character Kay Guinness, I would NEVER give her the trials and tribulations I've been through. No one would believe me! But God has given them to me and for a very good reason. It is through them I have gained understanding (not wisdom which is different) and with that understanding I hope to be able to help others. There is a purpose in all things.

I understand in the most intimate of ways that I have not walked a step alone in my entire life, even in my most evil of days and in the time of my rejection of His Grace, HE still walked patiently beside me. But I digress.....

I haven't been to see y'all recently because at Easter, 2 weeks after I returned, I had a heart attack. Fortunately it was caught on the heart monitor I was wearing and from that point onwards lots of things medical began to happen. I had another one at the beginning of July which made me basically bedridden until my surgery on 13 July. If you want details of that surgery, I'm sure the (rather pointed) email of my experiences can be dug up from an archive somewhere. The thing that is important is that during that surgery, my heart was stopped. For all intents and purposes, I was dead.

I learned a lot from that very long 15 seconds. Firstly I learned that the body does not like death and will do everything within its power to fight it. The instinct for life is so strong that when it is thwarted, it hurts in a way that only the word Hell covers. At the time I was on 30 mg of morphine and I was screaming it was so intense. I was in a form of Hell. My body wanted to live.

Secondly, I learned a bit of what Jesus Christ willingly went through.

Death is usually a permanent condition for the body. It is also something we, as humans, spend a lot of time thinking about how to avoid. Who would I die for? Who would I suffer that agony again for? Obviously, my children. I think most parents would be willing to give up their life for their offspring. They are my genetic material; my hopes and dreams; the bearers of my future and of our world. Yes, I would die for my children.

Given I would die for my children, would I die for my husband? Truthfully, I would have to think long and hard over that. I can't give you an honest answer out of hand. It would depend on the circumstances.

Would I be willing to die for the benefit of someone I don't know but who could be important to the world as a whole? Probably not. Sad but true, my selfish gene just showed up.

Would I be willing to die for the benefit of someone I don't know but who will be living in 1900 years? NO WAY. That would be foolish.

That is why Jesus is divine. He could do that. He could die for His friends right then and there. He could die for His community's future. He could die for me.

I “died” so I could live. Jesus “died” so I could live. Therefore, logic would take this argument here: I must “live” so that I can die yet live. My temporary death had a purpose. Jesus' temporary death had a purpose. Therefore my life must also have a purpose and it must be worthy of the sacrifices made for it.

Working to God's plan for me means that my life in some way will be worthy and will fulfill the promise made that though I was dead, yet shall I live.

So far, this is not rocket science. This is basic Christian doctrine. But do we understand it?

The pain of my heart being stopped and then restarted was incredible and intense. To think that Jesus Christ went through that pain and more as His heart ripped (very common occurrence with crucifixion, hence the comments about hearts “breaking”), yet Jesus didn't scream or ask for morphine or grind his teeth. His death on the cross was horrible. So horrible that all civilised countries ban crucifixion as a method of execution. And He would have been fighting His human body that wanted to live. The Roman soldiers weren't being cruel when they broke the legs of the condemned – they were being kind by trying to shock the body to a quicker death. And Jesus didn't even get that.

From what I experienced it humbles me to such a level to think that He would endure such agony for me. Even IF Jesus was just a man, such an action shows a level of love and dedication beyond human capacity that would transform Him beyond mere mortal.

Yet Jesus is divine: The Prince of Heaven. He knew what He was doing (sorta like I did) and He knew the pain involved (unlike me) AND HE STILL CHOOSE TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.

I wouldn't.

I now know too much. I may have a divine spark or burn with a holy fire at times, but only the truly Divine would.

What have I come to understand? Nothing I can sensible articulate beyond this:

I have begun to understand:
1.The true meaning and sentiment behind the words of the Passion and text of the litany.
2.The true level of sacrifice Jesus made on a human level.
3.The very beginning of the meaning of Grace.


I'll see y'all in October.